In Gretchen Rubin's book,
The Happiness Project, she mentioned how much she craved gold-star stickers and how frustrating it was waiting around for people to notice her good work and offer them. I had to laugh. I, too, crave the gold-star stickers in all their various forms.
The phrase comes from days of yore, when we were given "Great job!," "Nice!," or the now infamous gold-star stickers on our grade-school homework. A cute little reward for a job well done. No big deal, right? Not something that's going to haunt you for the rest of your life.
Cough.
But anytime we rely on other people for anything, we're more vulnerable, even when we're relying on them for approval or affection. This isn't some horrid evil that should be avoided at all costs, but it is a frank truth about life. And the more we crave acknowledgement, the more vulnerable we are. At its most extreme, it might feel like our happiness is being held hostage by the approval of others.
This has led a few people to assume that wanting recognition is a weakness and that strong people, or adults pretending to be strong people, shouldn't be looking for a pat on the back. Some innocent star collectors might be inclined to feel silly or stupid for desiring it.
But I don't think that those of us who can be counted as gold-star aficionados had the desire for recognition ingrained in us as children. I think it's a natural tendency, born out of a desire for connection, empathy, and shared enthusiasm.
After all, humans are social creatures. A lot of our happiness comes from our relationships with others. Recognition and praise means that something we've done was valuable enough to be noted by our group. Not only do we belong, but we're appreciated. That gives us a sense of security and connection.
It's also a source of delight. Who doesn't enjoy getting praise? It can brighten up your whole day. It's a simple source of happiness that harms no one and encourages us to do good work. Hard to see how that's a bad thing.
But, yes, it does leave us vulnerable. Wanting recognition and not receiving it can be painful.
Still, happiness is a complex jumble drawn from many different sources. Hopefully receiving gold-star stickers is not your only source of joy. But if you do find yourself craving some acclaim when none is around, what should you do?
Ideally, you should train yourself to look at what you've done, see if it's good work, and give yourself your own damn gold-star. Look at that thing you did! You did a good job! Nice! That way good work gets recognized, even if it's only by you. It's great training for appreciating all the good you're capable of, thus boosting your confidence, and it encourages you to hold yourself to a high standard. It also teaches you to consult with your internal compass for a more objective view of whether or not something is worthy of praise. That's an important defense for the days when cranky people want to tear apart your labors because they missed their morning cup of coffee.
Then if some one else notices your efforts and sees fit to give you a positive comment, awesome! You have not one but
two gold stars to add to your collection. You can enjoy their encouragement without pining for it.
That is, of course, an ideal. It's much easier to write about than to achieve. We're all still struggling to become perfect people who can enjoy the attention of others without needing it. In the meantime, if you still find yourself occasionally longing for recognition, and you have a trusting relationship with a good person, you could always do something truly crazy—like simply ask for it.
No hints. No nudges. Just: "Hey! Look at what I did! Isn't it awesome! Tell me how great I am."
You'd be amazed how well that can work sometimes.
